Those of you who may know me from high school will remember the theme of this journal post. I am feeling like shit.

All my life things have happened, mostly without huge effort on my part. College was supposed to change that. I've been thrown into failing situations and was expected to do what was necessary to dig myself out. I didn't. I got out of the class and moved on.

I heard today from a friend from high school that I haven't changed at all. Specifically that I don't try. At first, I disagreed. I thought I had made good progress at getting out socially and making friends. Turns out I really haven't. I'm still unable to talk to the girls that I know will be recurring characters in my life for fear of pushing them away and, in that abstention, alienate them. I fail at what really matters to me. Interacting with people.

Everything I do is more fun with people around. They don't have to participate, but the idea that they're around me is comforting and relaxing. I can't make it happen. I have to latch onto others and associate with their friends.

I find myself pretending that I'm happy until nights like these where I turn everything off, go to bed, and lie awake thinking for three hours about how I need to turn my life around, but never do come morning. I don't know what I'm waiting for, or looking for in comments, but I hope it comes.

I take pride in my work, but rarely do it. I put forth effort, but forget to finish. I live a hypocrisy. I want to change it, but I don't know how to start it. I've tried to take more active approaches, tried to be bold and outgoing, but find myself wishing that someone would show something back.