Tonight I cried for the first time in a long time. I think the last time I got close was at the end of the Notebook a few years ago. Yea, I cried at the end of the Notebook. What got me softly sobbing while staring at my laptop was episode 9 of Clannad.

For those of you that don't know, Clannad is a high school anime without any superhero-esque characters. It is a story about two students and their friends, trials, and experiences in their senior year.

The tear-jerker was the character of Fuko Ibuki. She is introduced as an short, introverted, and awkward girl who carves star-shaped blocks of wood. She is seen as a very childish character without major significance until episode 4 when her entire arc is put in motion.

To avoid horrendous spoilers, I'll skip to the element that had me knowing I'd cry two or three episodes in advance. Forgetting someone.

I personally put a great deal of emphasis on memories. My biggest regret is that I am part of so few significant ones. Memories are what drive people. Memories are what give life to the best stories. Memories are what define you. Memories can make you immortal.

I don't have a great deal of religious faith, I don't know about afterlives or reincarnation, but what I do know is that memories keep people alive after death. The memory of someone or the things they did keep them influencing and interacting with people long after everyone they knew personally has passed on. Therefore the loss of those memories to me is one of the most painful experiences to go through.

Towards the end of the arc, Fuko is being forgotten. Everyone in the school slowly and surely loses all memories of her mere existence. This to me is murder at its worst. Everyone is a murderer and, worst of all, no one can prevent it. You cannot force yourself to remember something, or someone.

Slowly watching everyone, even the characters closest to Fuko lose her and go through the agony of forgetting about something they cared about is something that will always be excruciating for me to watch.

In the Notebook, (Spoiler alert for those of you that still haven't seen it) the leading female develops dementia and completely forgets the love of her life once she is weighted down with years and wrinkles. Her lover has a notebook filled with their story and reads it to her every time she forgets, which jogs her memory. The most painful scene in the movie is when the woman wakes up after being reminded, but quickly and gradually forgets the man in front of her until she is screaming that he raped her the night before, while he listens and watches.

The loss of the memory of a loved one is the loss of that loved one. This, more than anything, is what I fear from old age. It drives me to make these memories and to pass them on while I have them.

I cried for the first time in years. I always thought it would be two things, relieving and comforting. Somehow, it was neither and I'm not sure why. There have been times I've wanted tears to flow without any, but once they do I'm left feeling empty and with a sense of longing.

Recommendations to shrug this off?

Those of you who may know me from high school will remember the theme of this journal post. I am feeling like shit.

All my life things have happened, mostly without huge effort on my part. College was supposed to change that. I've been thrown into failing situations and was expected to do what was necessary to dig myself out. I didn't. I got out of the class and moved on.

I heard today from a friend from high school that I haven't changed at all. Specifically that I don't try. At first, I disagreed. I thought I had made good progress at getting out socially and making friends. Turns out I really haven't. I'm still unable to talk to the girls that I know will be recurring characters in my life for fear of pushing them away and, in that abstention, alienate them. I fail at what really matters to me. Interacting with people.

Everything I do is more fun with people around. They don't have to participate, but the idea that they're around me is comforting and relaxing. I can't make it happen. I have to latch onto others and associate with their friends.

I find myself pretending that I'm happy until nights like these where I turn everything off, go to bed, and lie awake thinking for three hours about how I need to turn my life around, but never do come morning. I don't know what I'm waiting for, or looking for in comments, but I hope it comes.

I take pride in my work, but rarely do it. I put forth effort, but forget to finish. I live a hypocrisy. I want to change it, but I don't know how to start it. I've tried to take more active approaches, tried to be bold and outgoing, but find myself wishing that someone would show something back.

So, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann. Major smash of an anime if the number of Kamina fanarts has anything to say about it. I can't stay watching it. I've made it to Episode 5.

I'm on my third try to watch the series. Every other time, I couldn't keep my interest up. I just realized why. None of the characters are fun to watch. Kamina is the epitome of the blind leading the blind. He knows nothing about what he's doing, stumbles around to victory, and it inflates his ego. Yoko is the epitome of fanservice. OMAILOOKBOOBS! Now, I have no problem with boobs. In fact I think they're pretty rad. They should not be half of your character. Simon is the only one with real inner conflict in the story so far and all it does is keep him from doing anything. Kamina resolved his when he accepted his father's death, and Yoko's is just an extension of the boobs. She is the love interest for Kamina. She has no other part in the series as of yet. Now, I know that its only 5 episodes in, not even a quarter of the way, but honestly, where is the character development, or even the room for it?

The first plot advancement point after the party is introduced is Final Boss Let's Go! Now, I'm perfectly aware that this is probably not a problem for what the series intends but lets be honest here. That is a bad idea. For one, humans are scarce on the surface for a reason. It isn't because they decided it was too hot out one day and hid underground. It's because there are fucking mechs running around steppin' on people. Then some shmuck kid finds a little drill-y mech and suddenly everything falls into place? Now, don't even get me started on the combat scenes. These should be bread and butter for mech animes and I haven't seen a good one yet.

Summary of combat:
Simon scared. Kamina encourages him or yells about something. Yoko gives up on Simon and tells him to run. Simon flips her the proverbial bird and accidentally wins. Kamina worships himself.

Once I got to episode 5 I think I found why people watch this show. For everyone besides the main characters. There was a good rich storyline, conflict, resolution, and a decent fight scene. A little deus ex machina, but that was kinda the theme of the episode right? Anyway, the character for the priest was deep and conflicted, the same for Rossiu. They both know the truth that is hidden from the rest of the village and resolve their own conflicts. There was good dialog and a plot device I personally love, that of a harmful truth that people are sheltered from, is central to the episode.

I really hope this plot thickens, because otherwise it validates some of the most generic arguments against anime. Simple plots, little character development and depth, random crazy antics, and very vague direction. And its extremely popular.

Now, this isn't always bad. The problem comes when there is room for depth in the series. Dragonball Z was the epitome of one-dimensional anime. People fight each other, and you can't do it. They shoot hella lasers from their hands. They yell a lot. Goku wins epically. This has metaphors in it all over the place. The most common one is heaven. Over and over I see the surface alluded to as "heaven." They could do so much with this in the main characters. Kamina or at least Simon, who followed society pretty well in their original town, could ascribe to the almost religious aspect that it gives off and Yoko could play the "truth" aspect of what it really is. Instead they instantly become jaded about it once they see it. This series throws away perfectly good conflict without replacing it and at the end of the day, thats what interests us. That is why we watch something fictitious, to see unreal people deal with unreal problems. Take out the problems and you get a 5th grade story that goes "and then they did this, and then they did this, and then they did this" while seeming to try for more.

Either get some new plot or lose the attempt at depth and go for Super Sayian levels of awesome. Right now I just can't commit.




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Don't worry as soon as I find another topic I'll get a new rant up. Tim. Since you actually comment on it XP.

1. What does your deviantART name mean and why did you join this site?
it means that i was looking for a commonly unused name. broken down: "the" there is only one of me, "music" i lieks it, "man" indicative of my actual gender, "90" year of birth although you'll have to guess the century.

2. What fandom were you obsessed with when you joined and what are you into now?
shoot lemme check my faves... I guess that was around the time of Avatar and Brawl.

3. How many watchers do you have now?
six. i know them all personally.

4. Name 3 of your favorite artists on DA.
hmmm for the art style and the witty banter, for the sheer out-of-left-field-itude and for the broken english and broken wit in his comics.

5. Do you comment, fave, or both?
i comment more than i fave and i comment when the mood strikes me. honestly i'm hard to please.

6. Do you participate in clubs' contests here on DA?
nope.

7. What is your most popular deviation?
A Dream. i had a weird nightmare(?) and actually remembered it long enough to write it down.

8. What are your favorite non-anime TV shows?
Scrubs, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Royal Pains.

9. What are the things you wish you could draw better?
I don't draw.

10. Summer or winter?
Winter. people actually want to be in physical contact. you can ogle whomever you want in summer, but winter is just made for... ... hugs.

11. Rain or Sun?
Sun. More pleasant to play Capoeira in.

12. What's your favorite type of music?
Rock like Blink 182, Alternative Rock in general, and Indie Rock.

13. PC or Mac?
PC. I don't draw and my band isn't together yet.

14. Anime or Manga?
If i like the series manga. If i need something to do anime.

15. Coke or Pepsi?
Dr. Pepper. end of story.

16. Read or TV?
I read. TV is background noise.

17. How many hours a day do you spend on DA?
not much. its mostly however long it takes to catch up with my watched artists and check the front page.

18. Name a hidden talent.
i can play music?

19. Flash or traditional cartoons?
see question 14, flash = anime, traditional = manga.

20. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
Burger King or Wendies. although i do try to avoid them.

21. What are your top 3 favorite books?
Eternity Code by Dan Brown
The Aeneid of Vergil (it grows on you)
Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

22. Wii or Playstation?
Wii, then PS2. i have no working knowledge of PS3

23. Name 3 of your favorite bands.
Blink 182, Coheed & Cambria, Death Cab For Cutie.

24. Are you a fast, slow, or medium typer?
Oh, i'm pretty fast. you can still follow my fingers, but i can code at a good speed.

25. Do you like Denny's?
Yes. only there would you find the time to plan a porning of someone's room.

26. What is your favorite emoticon?
XP and

27. What do you want to be now?
employed

28. If you could eat one person, who would it be?
hmmm. i'm going to use an alternate meaning and say... Sarah Chalke

29. What character would you hate to be stuck in a room with?
any flamboyantly gay male. it'd just be awkward for a while.

30. When is your birthday?
May 10. now if you can guess well you can figure out my age.

31. Favorite type of ice cream?
Whatever the special of the day is, unless its coffee flavored

32. Last book you read?
Brisingr.

33. Which store would you max out a credit card at?
I'd have to say Pac Sun. I need new look plz.

34. Do you buy / sell / both on eBay?
Don't trust people. nope. i do not.

35. What is the most annoying thing people ask you?
Used to be my major, but now that i'm in college... my weight.

36. Favorite all time TV show?
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Zordon needs 5 teenagers with ATTITUDE!

37. What was your favorite show as a kid?
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, DBZ, and Rugrats.

38. What are you listening to right now?
Raindrops on my window.

39. What is the last thing you ate?
Homecooked Burgers. yum.

40. If you were a crayon what color would you be?
Blue. i liek blue.

41. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
longer hair

42. Favorite sport to play?
soccer. or futboll if you prefer.

43. Favorite Day of the Year?
Christmas?

44. Hugs or Kisses?
Depends on the other party.

45. Chocolate or vanilla?
ChocoChocoChocoChocoChocolate.

46. Favorite Board Game?
Settlers of Catan

47. Favorite smells?
Fresh Burgers.

48. What inspires you?
Fear and desire.

49. Do you have any piercings?
Ears eventually.

50. How many siblings do you have?
One

51. Bacon Bits or croutons?
nope.

52. Favourite Day of the Week?
Friday.

53. Favourite phrase?
"Shallow as a shower"

54. Favourite Restaurant?
Olive Garden. Breadsticks Ahoy!

55. Favourite animal?
Ostrich.

56. Favourite thing to do outside?
Capoeira

57. Favourite thing to do when it's raining?
Listen.

58. Favourite Disney character?
Aladdin.

59. Do you like coffee? If so, what kind?
nope.

60. Star Trek or Star Wars?
Star Wars.